The List

Sometimes I feel like my brain is just a giant "to-do list". Often I find myself searching mentally over the list of things that must be accomplished. Some need to be done today. Some are on the list, but don't have to be done until months from now, or even years! I can get caught up in the list which produces anxiety about meeting deadlines. Real or imagined deadlines that define who I am. I am a good mother IF I get the kids clothes put away today (after all, they've only been sitting in a pile for a week now), I put Ava's books back on the shelf (instead of the mess piled on the floor), I remember to pack the diaper bag adequately. I am a good wife IF I make dinner tonight, I clean the kitchen, etc. I am a good person IF I send a note to the widow across the street, take a meal to an elderly woman this afternoon. The key is maintaining a mental list without letting it become my life- or define who I am. To do this, I have to have a clear cut definition of who I am as a person that doesn't change with the activities I perform. (or don't perform!) Isn't it true that we tie our perception of ourselves up in what we do and don't do? We do something and feel good about ourselves, or bad about ourselves. We compare ourselves to what everybody else is doing and not doing. I'm better/worse than that person. Let me be still for a moment and think about the true identity of my self. It's good to have a list, it's good to actively complete good works, as long as they don't become your identity.