Dear Abby

Sometimes I read the Dear Abby advice column in the Dallas Morning News. Today I read the same letter three times, thinking to myself each time that this has got to be the most fake letter I have ever seen. Here is the letter:

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I had an affair with a woman I met at a local benefit. I'll call her "Desiree." As luck would have it, a few years later, Desiree would become my sister-in-law.

My wife has always been jealous of her "more attractive" sister. She reminds me of that fact every time we visit. Now Desiree is having money problems, and she's threatening to tell my wife about our "history" if I don't accommodate her needs.

My marriage is already on thin ice because I ran over my wife's dog and forgot our anniversary in the same week. What should I do? -- BLACKMAILED IN BURBANK

DEAR BLACKMAILED: If you knuckle under to your sister-in-law's threats, her money problems will be over and you will be paying her off for the duration of your marriage. Be smart. Nip this in the bud by telling your wife everything. It isn't your fault that you met her sister first. You should thank your lucky stars that you wound up marrying the right one.

And here are my thoughts (in red):

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I had an affair with a woman I met at a local benefit (how nice, this guy is picking up chicks at charity events). I'll call her "Desiree."(THAT is the name he came up with as an alias?) As luck (this doesn't seem very lucky to me) would have it, a few years later, Desiree would become my sister-in-law.

My wife has always been jealous of her "more attractive" sister. She reminds me of that fact every time we visit. (This doesn't sounds very healthy) Now Desiree is having money problems, and she's threatening to tell my wife about our "history" if I don't accommodate her needs. (I can't believe it never came up before- until sudden "money problems" on her part. And what is with the phrase "accommodate her needs"? That doesn't sounds very financial.)

My marriage is already on thin ice because I ran over my wife's dog (WHAT? Now we're really getting crazy.) and forgot our anniversary in the same week. (are you making this up?) What should I do? (you should just give up man, because you sound like a total loser! Besides, this is obviously a fake letter and I can't believe Abby thought it worthy of an answer.) -- BLACKMAILED IN BURBANK