I've always been a little "nervous" when it comes to being home alone and feeling vulnerable to break-ins.
The worst year for me was my first year out of college when I lived in an apartment in Dallas on my own for a year. I kept that security bar in the sliding glass door to the balcony, even though I was on the second floor. I checked the locks on the front door all the time, AND I went so far as to lock the bathroom door whenever I showered. See, showering is a scary time for people like me because the water is so loud it would be impossible to hear a break in. It's hard to relax and enjoy shampooing when you're constantly straining to hear possible intruders. So, as an added measure of security (since locking the front door AND bathroom door was not enough) I would pull out the first drawer in the vanity which would completely block the bathroom door from opening. Only then did I feel safe enough to shower.
Over the years, I became a little less stressed. It was still tough, especially when Cody went out of town. Really the best thing that happened was having kids because it gave me a sense of renewed courage. I had to protect my kids, so I was less timid and nervous and more empowered. The other thing that has helped is my attitude of becoming more intimate and trusting with God so that I am not as fearful as I used to be.
Cody goes on business trips a few times a month and I haven't had much issue with nervousness in a long time. But last night, I got spooked.
It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting on the couch when suddenly I heard a loud rattling from the sunroom. It sounded like a person pounding on the sliding door, or trying to come in. I jumped up, heart pounding, quite unsure of what to do. I raced into my bedroom, but the curtains were pulled back and I felt completely vulnerable in that room peering into the black night, knowing anyone outside could clearly see into the room.
So I ran to the front of the house next and grabbed a phone. I called Cody in a panic. My heart was beating out of my chest, my ears sensitive to the sound of my blood flowing. Any small sound was enough to make my knees weak.
We both felt that if it was a person something would have happened by now, and Cody was going to be home in 20 minutes (he was driving from the airport.) So, I did what any sensible, grown woman would do...I grabbed Nate's baseball bat and sat with the phone beside me in the boys room, while cautiously peering out and listening.
I gradually relaxed as the time passed and no intruders came rushing in, but I never could will myself to move from my spot.
Cody got home, looked around, and of course found nothing. And this morning in broad daylight I heard the sound again and determined it to be something (a nut? a squirrel?) rolling down the glass roof of the sunroom. Didn't seem quite so scary that time.
I guess I've come a long way from my triple locking days and fearful showers...but I'm no super-woman yet.